This last month has been somewhat strenuous for me. Lost a job. Lost friends. Rejection after rejection. But a few days ago, I saw a quote that we are not to view these happenings as rejections, but redirections towards something better. I’d rather stick with that sentiment.
Also in this last month, two influential men passed away: Robin Williams and BKS Iyengar. One brought laughter and joy to my childhood; the other gave me wisdom and hope as an adult. As I reread Iyengar’s Light on Life, I find it interesting how it helps me cope with the loss of both their lives.
While discussing the Physical Body in terms of yoga, Iyengar thoroughly explains the necessity of pain in order for growth. “We do not do yoga just for enjoyment; we do it for ultimate emancipation. Most people want to take joy without suffering. I will take both. See how far suffering takes me.”
What an interesting sentiment that we often avoid. Considering the racial unrest in Missouri (well, across the World, really) and political climate, there are countless examples of suffering on this planet that we as humans avoid. I won’t lie; I don’t like reading the news on a daily basis simply because I hate hearing about the constant pain and suffering in every corner. But there are times when we had to face the pain, as it how “we learn to act, to live, to grow”, as Iyengar states. “We all have presence of mind when everything goes well, but we need to have presence of mind when something goes wrong.”
Back to Mr. Williams. At this point, it’s common knowledge that he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s, likely becoming the reason he chose to end his life. It seems as though the world was much more comfortable with that explanation than if he had died of depression, which quite honestly, astounds me. Those who have read my earlier posts will know that I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago, and I made a decision to end my life a year ago that thankfully, was foiled by my will to live. That doesn’t mean I’m cured. It doesn’t mean I don’t have days when everything goes well; the sun shines, there’s no traffic, my family and friends love me and no one is grumbling– and I still come home wishing I were dead. That this world would legitimately function better if I didn’t exist.
I am NOT advocating suicide in the slightest, nor am I expressing that it is a selfless act; it is quite selfish and leaves those behind with greater pain and frustration while you are, free, really.
I am, however, trying to explain that depression isn’t logical. It’s not something I can magically turn off. I wish I could go through life feeling “normal”, with bad days that don’t cause me to crave physical pain or death because I don’t know what else to do. I long for the day that I can comfortably come off my antidepressants and be able to fully work through my “episodes” of self-loathing. But it doesn’t work that way. My brain DOES NOT work like everyone else’s. I would give almost anything to let it be “normal”— but like Iyengar, after having seen the pain, I think I would rather have both joy and suffering. I learn more from pain. I can be compassionate towards others with the same brain as myself. So when I initially hear that this great actor, comedian, and human took his life, my first reaction is not to say he is selfish. I was sad because I know how he felt. I was sad thinking of his family who perhaps thought they could have saved him.
I didn’t know Robin Williams and won’t ever know EXACTLY why he took his life; I can only assume he viewed it as the only option. I’ve been there. If you haven’t, it isn’t fair to judge. I agree that sometimes people use depression as an excuse for attention, teen angst, what have you, but that is not my place to judge. I don’t have a terrible life; I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me as best they can…. I am blessed. But I am also depressed. I deal with it daily. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hate seeing how it affects those who love me, and I use them as a means to keep fighting.
This quote that kept going around right after RW died resonates with me: “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
I’ve been there. Invisible in a crowd, in a room with only one other. My only critique, or what I’ve been learning, is that no one can make you feel anything. It comes from within. You must surround yourself with the people who know you and care, obviously. But they’re still human. You have to push through that pain of isolation. I am deeply saddened that Robin Williams didn’t feel he could any longer. It hurts me to think about another human suffering in that way. Through that pain, I will learn. I will remain steadfast in my journey to fight through depression. Use yoga to discover the peace within.
I am thankful that I was able to know of and study the lives of both Robin Williams and BKS Iyengar; they have impacted my understanding of myself and the world. Namaste, gentleman. Rest your weary souls.
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For a little further reading:
http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/well/2014/08/20/what-is-so-special-about-iyengar-yoga/
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15007/10-life-lessons-i-learned-from-b-k-s-iyengar.html
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