What to leave, what to take…

I’ve spent far too much time away from my love of writing. Fear, insecurity, doubt: there are plenty of excuses keeping me from this blog. But no matter! Here we go.

As the year draws to a close, most of us are reflecting on it and hoping for great experiences in the next, right? Last Friday I had an incredible opportunity to go to a workshop at my yoga studio called Let It Go 2014. While the majority of the time was spent practicing, we spent a portion meditating and journaling about the things we expect of 2015.

First, my teacher guided us, we were to write on one page of our journals what we hoped to manifest or change from 2014, that is, what we hoped to take into the new year and develop toward a deeper purpose. Then, on a separate page, we wrote what we meant to release from 2014, the things that no longer serve us, whether they be sentiments, relationships, habits… Then we ripped the “release” page and handed them in. I kept wondering… Will she burn those? She had no clue to whom each page belonged, so anonymity was not an issue, but a part of me didn’t want to share the things I hope to release.

Mid-practice, it hit me: If I’m TRULY going to release it, who cares what happens to that paper?

Letting go is not an easy feat. We speak of it often, reminding each other to “just let it go”, as though we’ve reached this stage of wisdom and understanding, whilst cloaked in pretension. (I’m quite aware of my use of “whilst” in that pretentious sentence.)

Meanwhile, our own practice of letting go is often lacking. Even of the little things, like what someone else chooses to do with my “release” page, which is really just trash.

So while this year pressed and pulled me into far too many directions, I am thankful for this: I am beginning a journey of learning to let go. Of learning to legitimately move forward. Of manifesting the beauty and gifts I’ve been blessed with in my time on Earth.

In my classes lately, I often tell my students– in hopes of reminding my own person– to be thankful for the strengths and limitations of their bodies and their minds, along with the opportunities to grow. Whatever or Whomever you believe in, a Higher Power offers us endless chances to learn. To let go of what no longer serves us in order to reach our full potential.

What are you taking into 2015? What will you choose to leave behind? Wherever you are in your journey, share with me! I love to know what’s happening in the lives around me. Namaste, lovely readers.

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This picture is of the site of my accident last April… It serves as a reminder as to who I was and who
I have become, as well as an inspiration to continue!

❤️

Joy and Suffering

This last month has been somewhat strenuous for me. Lost a job. Lost friends. Rejection after rejection. But a few days ago, I saw a quote that we are not to view these happenings as rejections, but redirections towards something better. I’d rather stick with that sentiment.

Also in this last month, two influential men passed away: Robin Williams and BKS Iyengar. One brought laughter and joy to my childhood; the other gave me wisdom and hope as an adult. As I reread Iyengar’s Light on Life, I find it interesting how it helps me cope with the loss of both their lives.

While discussing the Physical Body in terms of yoga, Iyengar thoroughly explains the necessity of pain in order for growth. “We do not do yoga just for enjoyment; we do it for ultimate emancipation. Most people want to take joy without suffering. I will take both. See how far suffering takes me.”

What an interesting sentiment that we often avoid. Considering the racial unrest in Missouri (well, across the World, really) and political climate, there are countless examples of suffering on this planet that we as humans avoid. I won’t lie; I don’t like reading the news on a daily basis simply because I hate hearing about the constant pain and suffering in every corner. But there are times when we had to face the pain, as it how “we learn to act, to live, to grow”, as Iyengar states. “We all have presence of mind when everything goes well, but we need to have presence of mind when something goes wrong.”

Back to Mr. Williams. At this point, it’s common knowledge that he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s, likely becoming the reason he chose to end his life. It seems as though the world was much more comfortable with that explanation than if he had died of depression, which quite honestly, astounds me. Those who have read my earlier posts will know that I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago, and I made a decision to end my life a year ago that thankfully, was foiled by my will to live. That doesn’t mean I’m cured. It doesn’t mean I don’t have days when everything goes well; the sun shines, there’s no traffic, my family and friends love me and no one is grumbling– and I still come home wishing I were dead. That this world would legitimately function better if I didn’t exist.

I am NOT advocating suicide in the slightest, nor am I expressing that it is a selfless act; it is quite selfish and leaves those behind with greater pain and frustration while you are, free, really.

I am, however, trying to explain that depression isn’t logical. It’s not something I can magically turn off. I wish I could go through life feeling “normal”, with bad days that don’t cause me to crave physical pain or death because I don’t know what else to do. I long for the day that I can comfortably come off my antidepressants and be able to fully work through my “episodes” of self-loathing. But it doesn’t work that way. My brain DOES NOT work like everyone else’s. I would give almost anything to let it be “normal”— but like Iyengar, after having seen the pain, I think I would rather have both joy and suffering. I learn more from pain. I can be compassionate towards others with the same brain as myself. So when I initially hear that this great actor, comedian, and human took his life, my first reaction is not to say he is selfish. I was sad because I know how he felt. I was sad thinking of his family who perhaps thought they could have saved him.

I didn’t know Robin Williams and won’t ever know EXACTLY why he took his life; I can only assume he viewed it as the only option. I’ve been there. If you haven’t, it isn’t fair to judge. I agree that sometimes people use depression as an excuse for attention, teen angst, what have you, but that is not my place to judge. I don’t have a terrible life; I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me as best they can…. I am blessed. But I am also depressed. I deal with it daily. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hate seeing how it affects those who love me, and I use them as a means to keep fighting.

This quote that kept going around right after RW died resonates with me: “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”

I’ve been there. Invisible in a crowd, in a room with only one other. My only critique, or what I’ve been learning, is that no one can make you feel anything. It comes from within. You must surround yourself with the people who know you and care, obviously. But they’re still human. You have to push through that pain of isolation. I am deeply saddened that Robin Williams didn’t feel he could any longer. It hurts me to think about another human suffering in that way. Through that pain, I will learn. I will remain steadfast in my journey to fight through depression. Use yoga to discover the peace within.

I am thankful that I was able to know of and study the lives of both Robin Williams and BKS Iyengar; they have impacted my understanding of myself and the world. Namaste, gentleman. Rest your weary souls.

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For a little further reading:

http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/well/2014/08/20/what-is-so-special-about-iyengar-yoga/

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15007/10-life-lessons-i-learned-from-b-k-s-iyengar.html

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps. | {Be You}

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps. | {Be You}.

I really love the simplicity of this blog. It is not hard to read it and just think “Yeah….of course!”

We need to strive to be better people to ourselves, each other and the world around us. 🙂 Carry on…

-Carmen

Triggers

Last night a dear friend of mine discussed with me how difficult it was to watch me go through my accident and the six months of reckless behavior that surrounded it. She explained how difficult it was to not know how to stop me– I was overly sensitive and she didn’t know what to say without triggering me into a pit.

We started talking about triggers, those things that alter my mood almost instantly. There are words I can’t stand– stupid, slut, abusive– things that are not even a little true about myself but are still somehow so hurtful.

I realized though that not all triggers have to be bad. Why not focus in the positive triggers– things that make us laugh, smile, and live freely? I mean to challenge myself to find the positive triggers. The ocean. My nephew. Books. Stop letting triggers be merely a negative part of my life. Let myself explore what else there is in the world to make me happy. Join me.

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Midnight Rambles with Room for Changes

I wish I had learned more in school about common diseases other than STDs (or STIs, to be politically correct). I have a friend with lupus, a friend with diabetes and celiac’s–among others– and family members, including myself, with hyperthyroidism, depression, heart disease, etc. As a young woman who loves those around her, I wish I could have known more about these dilemmas before I encountered them in my loved ones. Instead, thank goodness, I have the Internet to study and find out how I can help. With some cases of lupus, for example, patients ought to stock up on flaxseed, omega-3s, and vitamin D.

Our culture is so quick to throw any drug at any issue. I’m not exempt; I’ve been taking anti-depressants for five years now and notice a complete difference. But drugs don’t fix everything. They are a bandaid.

In April of this year, I drove my car off the road, hoping to end my pain. Thankfully, I turned back the wheel a split second later and only suffered some damage to my car and windows due to a telephone pole.

It’s hard to tell my family and friends that I am so grateful for that experience. Suicide is NOT the correct option for any human being, but my slight attempt proved this idea when I had to confront my family with my choice. I was thrown into a group of arms that either knew what I was going through or what they would do when I was gone. My eldest brother told me he would never talk about me again. Talk about honesty. My nephews and nieces mean more to me than anything. Say he had to tell his 5-year-old that I died and then would never talk about me thereafter. My nephew, so you know, sprints to me whenever I am around and always tells me he loves me. A five-year-old BOY.

In the weeks following my accident, I started noticing things about myself that I hated and wanted to change. I couldn’t get caught in the self-loathing; it’s easy to stop at complaining. I had to start caring about myself. More yoga, better food, more time with my dog, less alcohol.

This is incessant rambling at this point, I’m aware, but for those of you who have the same nonstop mind, I get it. There are days I don’t see why I ever add to this earth. Days I believe people around me would feel relieved to see me gone….

Then I mention those thoughts. My brother laid some hard truth on me the other day: he doesn’t know when he can joke with me since I’m sensitive, so he avoids talking to me at all. While the “other” me, gets offended, the logical, real me realizes I put too much pressure on others to make me feel ok. I have to stop doing that– right? I can only control MY feelings, MY reaction, MY heart. I’m not accountable for anyone else but myself. So I need to stop hearing things as rude or mean– even if they are meant to be— and accurately analyze whether or not I truly need to change something about myself or move on from a friendship.

This is merely midnight rambles…. I wish I had more of a clear cut plot of sorts. Please comment with any questions or concerns, but I want everyone to realize that in your moment of deepest doubt about yourself or your value, PLEASE PLEASE take a second and third and fourth look around. Even if you impact ONE soul or being, something that adds to the growth of this Earth and its people, THAT’S ENOUGH! Whether or not you know your purpose at present does not mean you don’t have one. Keep pursuing, keep learning, keep pressing forward. Learn about others’ trials and use that as a way to care about those around you— one of my favorite ways to express my angst is to care about taking care of someone else. Press on, loved ones.

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When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

— Henry Ford