No reason to hide

So as I am beginning to set up a business to teach yoga full-time, I created a new blog in which I focus on all things yoga rather than my ridiculous rants of the day or what have you. So as I begin to develop a somewhat different persona on the interweb here, I started to sweat. Oh crap. I wrote some stupid stuff on here before. I should delete them.

Few things wrong with this mentality: 1) If I am a true yogi (which I intend to strive to be), the past was merely a way to shape my present and I cannot live there nor regret its existence; 2) If I want to live without using the word “should” as often as possible, that also includes reflecting on the past and saying “I shouldn’t have said” blah blah blah. Either way, I started reading my posts to see if some needed to be taken down–I did take one down because I was saddened by the negativity that it exuded so profusely– but as I was reading, instead of feeling embarrassed or ashamed at how real or honest I was, I was really excited to see how I’ve changed and the journey from two years ago when I started blogging to now.

Again, I don’t want to dwell on the past. I want to make that very clear. I’m also very aware that is MUCH easier said than done. But there was a beautiful sincerity I saw in myself throughout the entire process, whether or not I was murky in some of my choices, I was real with everything. That’s the beauty of the anonymity, I suppose. But now, if you really care to look, you can find out EVERYTHING about me based on the way my two blogs are related. And while I was really nervous about that; I don’t have anything to hide. I have faults. I have strengths. I am both beautiful and ugly. I am giving and selfish. I am loving and spiteful. But above all of that, I am learning.

There is no reason to hide learning.

Namaste, loved ones.

 

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You are magnificent

What’s your crutch?

We all have one. Or twelve.

Myself? I have a few.

Watching the film Thanks for Sharing, a fictional film that chronicles four characters in their different stages of recovery of sexual addiction. If you’ve read my previous posts, you will notice that I turn to men for comfort when I am upset. I am not a sex addict, but I am aware of the power of any vice, and my inclination to be addicted based on my genetics.

I don’t want to focus this post on any particular addiction. I simply want to acknowledge that when I am anxious, frustrated, hurt, insecure…. I turn to a few things to help me “get over it”.

Wait, wait. I thought WhiteBlankPage is a Yogi!?!?

Yup. I am. I consistently try to ease my hurts by coming to my mat and practicing asana and pranayama (postures and breathing techniques, respectively). I’m still a human.

It’s intimidating to think that the term “yogi” carries such an expectation of perfection, like the word “Christian” or really, any religious term.

I’m sorry, but if I don’t say, “I’m Jesus”, please don’t expect me to have this life all figured out.

I have vices.

I’m imperfect.

I am actively working towards being unapologetically me.

There are A LOT of people in this world who won’t root for you. I’m sorry you have to cross paths with them. But I want to be here for you. “We’re all walking each other home”, my mom likes to say, paying homage to her favorite quote. Will you walk with me? I’m not the greatest. I’m not without fault. But I promise you I will try. I promise I will love you as best I can. I promise I will have an ear for you always.

I promise I will keep learning. I promise I will continue.

Namaste, my dear friends. I would love to hear from you and begin a discussion. Have a beautiful day.

Demonstrate love, which has no boundary.

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Poems for the very last minutes of Poetry month

I want to fly, but I’ll fall for you.

I want to die, but I’ll live for you.

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Generalizations and Realizations… All the “zations”

“They’re all the same.”

How often have you said this about men or women, whether in terms of romance or friendship? It’s so easy, for me, at least, to get annoyed when one man has the same “demons” as another, or if a woman is too difficult to trust as a friend. I walk about, waiting for my jaded mind to be proven right: they’re all the same.

What a poor place to live. Thankfully, I only visit this domain, but I don’t even want to recognize that it’s part of my journey.

Oh well, I guess I’ll join the billions of humans on the planet that have been hurt one too many times and figure generalizing makes things better.

On a separate, but somewhat related note, today I was thinking about offering advice to a friend of mine about how she can’t let a person’s rudeness or behavior put a damper on her day. As a yoga teacher, I always try to listen to a student’s problems and lead them toward a positive direction in that you can only control your reaction to another’s inappropriate, juvenile, or even criminal actions.

What I realized, though, is not only how often I allow myself to react to those same actions, but that I also allow myself to react to the positive actions.

I’m happy when people buy me flowers. I’m sad when they go on with their day without tangibly noticing if my day sucks. I’m happy when the man I fancy sends me a text message to have a good day. I’m sad when he is a human and doesn’t treat me like a queen.

It seems as though we should definitely take into account the positive actions; I would argue it is beneficial to notice the kindness and beauty that surrounds us on a daily basis. HOWEVER, I realized today, that perhaps we still attribute too much weight to positive behavior.

“That made my day.” A seemingly amazing little sentence, right? But if I were to really pursue a yogi’s path toward enlightenment, I have to even let go of these phrases, these actions. Which, in all honesty, is incredibly bizarre, and I have no clue how to get to that place.

Maybe it begins with the negative and positive generalizations. Maybe it begins with ACTUALLY practicing living presently, moving through each moment without attachment or bitterness from the previous moment. If you’re like me, this sounds both unrealistic and maybe incorrect. But the more I study BKS Iyengar and Patanjali, the more I realize these concepts are a focal point in regards to living yoga. Living in THIS moment, responding to THIS action, without connecting it to a previous behavior, be it good or bad.

I might be getting way ahead of myself here; I would love if my mind were as philosophically sound as I dream, but I have a rather normal brain. Needless to say, I became aware today of how quickly I throw friends, lovers, or family members up on a pedestal when they “made my day”. Which, obviously, only sets me up to be disappointed when they don’t consistently make my day, or (the realistic and logical truth) are human. On my part, it’s really unfair to count up the blessings, just as it is to note all the negative qualities. No one in my life, or yours, for that matter, deserves to have their record brought up over and over, whether it’s positive or negative. Why not just accept and love those around us as they are today? Better yet, why not learn to love YOU as you are today? You’ve got a record, too. You’ve been part of the “they’re all the same” and “they made my day” at least once in your life. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Today is a new day. A day when you can choose to let go of the negativity and positivity of yesterday and simply LIVE. Live and love those around you, not for yesterday or tomorrow. Just focus on today.

It’s a journey. It’s not going to happen by the time you shut your eyes to sleep tonight. But I challenge you to consider these points and whether or not you agree with me. I would love to open a discussion with any of you, so please leave a comment below. Namaste, friends.

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“Understand that the whole is the goal…the goal here is to make peace with all the tendrils and conflicts of your life…” Baron Baptiste, 40 Days to Personal Revolution

In Memory of my Grandma

I lost my grandma this week. She lived a full life and went peacefully, with two of her kids at her side.

No matter what the circumstance, death is difficult to process. And somehow, this time around, I was more aware of my own mortality than ever. I assume it’s because my Grandma was the final one of her generation (in my family, obviously) to pass away, leaving the next generation, which includes my parents, to be the next in line. That was really really bizarre to think about; especially cause I really love my folks. Imperfections aside, I love my relationship with my parents. Thinking about losing them, watching them get older and feeble, is terrifying. Needless to say, I haven’t handled it well.

I was able to say goodbye to my Grandma the night before she left, and I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to do so, but I found myself somewhat immobile. If I hadn’t HAD to work the following two mornings, I would have stayed in bed all day. Which is pretty close to what I did anyhow; drink, sleep, cry, mindlessly watch tv. I know these are all “normal” responses, but today I got up, taught a class, and realized that I want to do things differently now. Rather than mope, hurt, suffer, I want to LIVE my life that much more now that I understand how short our lives really are.

So let’s get into the nitty gritty. My grandma was awesome. She wasn’t perfect; but in reflection of her life, I am only smiling when I think about her, even her flaws. She said what she wanted, whether it was tactful or not. She was funny. She cared about her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids, and there were a lot of us. She always paid attention to what was going on in the world, had strong political views. She was unapologetically herself. And I loved it.

My grandparents came over every Christmas morning, and called each of us on our birthdays and sang to us. My grandma always knew what was going on in my life before I had to tell her, simply because she cared to ask about me. Suddenly, as I was saying goodbye, ALL these memories flooded back into my mind, giving me the opportunity to see how much my grandma affected me as a person.

As I sat there, telling her I loved her while she was vaguely aware of my presence, I used the quiet pauses to ponder how thankful I was to have such a strong female role model as the matriarch of my dad’s family. We can laugh that she passed down her stubbornness to all of us, which she did, but I think about how really, I can turn that into determination toward my dreams. A few years ago, when I had intended to move out to LA to pursue a career in acting, my grandma was ALL about it. She loved that I wasn’t tied down to anyone and simply wanted to go be myself! What an amazing person to have behind me….

My Grandma will be the reason I keep moving, why I keep striving toward what I want in life. She would only want to see me succeed as an independent young woman, living her dreams to the fullest. And I fully intend to do so.

I’m so thankful for my Grandma. Couldn’t have asked for better. Love you, Grandma.

Namaste.

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That pesky “what if”

Ah, the long break from writing always kills me just a smidgen. But instead of procrastinating even more, here I go:

“Something’s bound to go wrong..” (Don’t Worry, Baby, The Beach Boys)

How often are we victims of self-fulfilling prophecies? I spend so much time worrying about the “what if” and all it does is get me into trouble. Without realizing it, I only end up hurting myself and those around me as my walls come up, keeping those I love at bay.

So in my “What if everything falls apart” phase, all I did was the following: argue, cry, skip meditation, and drink too much wine. That was obviously the best option, right?

We do this all the time. Self-preservation begets pain. We think we’re protecting ourselves from heartache, when we block the positive energy and actions around us from getting in as much as we avoid the negative.

That’s not to say we need to let EVERYTHING in; actually, I don’t mean that in the slightest. As I’ve been getting back into meditation and my trust little sidekick, Meditations from the Mat, by Rolf Gates, I am continually brought back to the Eight-Limbed Path of Yoga, which discusses yamas and niyamas, or basic guidelines for humans in their journey toward Samadhi, or enlightenment. (I know I’ve touched on this in previous posts as well.)

Recently the focus has been on brahmacarya, or moderation, and it is moving toward aparigraha, or non-attachment.

I 100% struggle with attachment. To people, to animals, to results, to expectations, to cars, you name it. It comes with the territory of loving everything all the time every day. While loving things is a great quality, I end up getting too attached; i.e. allowing disappointments, loss, etc, to affect my mood.

I want to offer a cure-all success story, but it would be false. I am learning to let go of what no longer serves me. I am learning to live in the present moment. I am learning to just be, not looking for results, or returned affection, but simply live.

I’m not great at it. But all I can do is focus on this very moment. “The prize is in the process”, says Baron Baptiste. If I’m not here for the process, how will I get my prize?

If you have any questions regarding yamas, niyamas, yoga, meditation, or you just want to talk, please comment! I would love to hear from those of you who took the time out of your day to read this post. Namaste, loved ones.

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Blessed

Like most, Mondays bring me a little bit of grief. Ugh, to start the week with productivity means I have to get out I bed. But… It’s comfy. Right?

True, comfort zones exist because they’re wonderful, but how are we to learn? I saw a lovely quote this morning from Meister Eckhart: “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”

How often do we try new things? It’s so easy to stay where it’s safe and known, even if we’re unhappy, but what if things change? What if we learn and grow each day? That’s not to say I’m that person; I love curling up on my couch, turning on a Disney movie I loved as a kid, and well, doing nothing. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, either!

I started my morning with about zero motivation to move other than the ever-growing, intimidating pile of clean clothes on my couch. See, I put my laundry there so I don’t put it off… Then I go sit on my recliner and ignore it for a few days. So after finally starting to organize, I was able to purge some items I don’t wear anymore, put away 95% of my clothes (just the hangers left– I’m legitimately the biggest laundry procrastinator), and ended up cleaning my fridge, dishes, and practicing some yoga thereafter simply because I started. Small step, I’m aware, but I was glad to rid my apartment of some clutter today!

Meanwhile, in the midst of my small victories, I saw some other beautiful things appear in my day: my private yoga client bought me flowers because she thought I would like them; my best friend sent me an encouraging and kind note from her travels across the states; and one of the women who certified me to teach yoga made space in a full workshop because she knew I wanted to participate.

A while back I mentioned a boyfriend of mine had reminded me that the world is not out to get me. I spent a large majority of 2014 in pain, like a victim getting mercilessly hurt or neglected, and by the end of the year, I was sick of it. Not to say that I didn’t deal with legitimate pain and mistreatment, but I focused nearly all my energy of the negativity that surrounded me. Or rather, what I allowed to surround me.

“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”
-Henri Matisse

This year I am actively allowing myself to be surrounded by flowers. To be a beginner each day. To learn to laugh at my mistakes and mishaps, rather than beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself. There is no future there; it’s time to grow. Yesterday is no longer, tomorrow is yet to come, why not spend today being happy?

Namaste, loved ones,

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Bring it on, 2015!

As most people do, I’ve spent a large portion of the last week reviewing the past year: the love, the pain, the lessons. This morning I looked at last year’s blog I wrote and somewhat chuckled, quite honestly. It’s amazing to me what a year can do.

For the first time, I’m setting some real resolutions; realistic yet hopeful goals for my 2015. If I feel like I’ve made such strides since last year, why wouldn’t I hope for the same in the next? Anyhow, I wrote them down last night and wanted to share a few:

1) Meditate daily (I bought Meditations from the Mat to guide me through the year, I’m too excited to start so I won’t wait til the 1st!)

2) Offer kind words or a gift to someone daily.

3) Do some form of cardio thrice weekly.

This is only a partial list, but I noticed that each of these benefits different aspects of my life: spirituality, others, physical being. In order to hope for a more well-rounded year in which I stay present, I have to plan for it! So I want to make sure I make goals for myself, my body, my mind, and of course, goals to serve and love others better.

Last night I meditated for a little bit, and I ended up using a made up mantra that I had pieced together from a few sentences I had seen:

Demonstrate love, which has no boundary.

I wish I had a deeper understanding of this mantra, maybe I’ll find it in the next chapter of my life. What mantras have found their way into your meditation? What resolutions are you excited for in 2015?

Namaste, readers. Hope to hear from you!

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What to leave, what to take…

I’ve spent far too much time away from my love of writing. Fear, insecurity, doubt: there are plenty of excuses keeping me from this blog. But no matter! Here we go.

As the year draws to a close, most of us are reflecting on it and hoping for great experiences in the next, right? Last Friday I had an incredible opportunity to go to a workshop at my yoga studio called Let It Go 2014. While the majority of the time was spent practicing, we spent a portion meditating and journaling about the things we expect of 2015.

First, my teacher guided us, we were to write on one page of our journals what we hoped to manifest or change from 2014, that is, what we hoped to take into the new year and develop toward a deeper purpose. Then, on a separate page, we wrote what we meant to release from 2014, the things that no longer serve us, whether they be sentiments, relationships, habits… Then we ripped the “release” page and handed them in. I kept wondering… Will she burn those? She had no clue to whom each page belonged, so anonymity was not an issue, but a part of me didn’t want to share the things I hope to release.

Mid-practice, it hit me: If I’m TRULY going to release it, who cares what happens to that paper?

Letting go is not an easy feat. We speak of it often, reminding each other to “just let it go”, as though we’ve reached this stage of wisdom and understanding, whilst cloaked in pretension. (I’m quite aware of my use of “whilst” in that pretentious sentence.)

Meanwhile, our own practice of letting go is often lacking. Even of the little things, like what someone else chooses to do with my “release” page, which is really just trash.

So while this year pressed and pulled me into far too many directions, I am thankful for this: I am beginning a journey of learning to let go. Of learning to legitimately move forward. Of manifesting the beauty and gifts I’ve been blessed with in my time on Earth.

In my classes lately, I often tell my students– in hopes of reminding my own person– to be thankful for the strengths and limitations of their bodies and their minds, along with the opportunities to grow. Whatever or Whomever you believe in, a Higher Power offers us endless chances to learn. To let go of what no longer serves us in order to reach our full potential.

What are you taking into 2015? What will you choose to leave behind? Wherever you are in your journey, share with me! I love to know what’s happening in the lives around me. Namaste, lovely readers.

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This picture is of the site of my accident last April… It serves as a reminder as to who I was and who
I have become, as well as an inspiration to continue!

❤️