Generalizations and Realizations… All the “zations”

“They’re all the same.”

How often have you said this about men or women, whether in terms of romance or friendship? It’s so easy, for me, at least, to get annoyed when one man has the same “demons” as another, or if a woman is too difficult to trust as a friend. I walk about, waiting for my jaded mind to be proven right: they’re all the same.

What a poor place to live. Thankfully, I only visit this domain, but I don’t even want to recognize that it’s part of my journey.

Oh well, I guess I’ll join the billions of humans on the planet that have been hurt one too many times and figure generalizing makes things better.

On a separate, but somewhat related note, today I was thinking about offering advice to a friend of mine about how she can’t let a person’s rudeness or behavior put a damper on her day. As a yoga teacher, I always try to listen to a student’s problems and lead them toward a positive direction in that you can only control your reaction to another’s inappropriate, juvenile, or even criminal actions.

What I realized, though, is not only how often I allow myself to react to those same actions, but that I also allow myself to react to the positive actions.

I’m happy when people buy me flowers. I’m sad when they go on with their day without tangibly noticing if my day sucks. I’m happy when the man I fancy sends me a text message to have a good day. I’m sad when he is a human and doesn’t treat me like a queen.

It seems as though we should definitely take into account the positive actions; I would argue it is beneficial to notice the kindness and beauty that surrounds us on a daily basis. HOWEVER, I realized today, that perhaps we still attribute too much weight to positive behavior.

“That made my day.” A seemingly amazing little sentence, right? But if I were to really pursue a yogi’s path toward enlightenment, I have to even let go of these phrases, these actions. Which, in all honesty, is incredibly bizarre, and I have no clue how to get to that place.

Maybe it begins with the negative and positive generalizations. Maybe it begins with ACTUALLY practicing living presently, moving through each moment without attachment or bitterness from the previous moment. If you’re like me, this sounds both unrealistic and maybe incorrect. But the more I study BKS Iyengar and Patanjali, the more I realize these concepts are a focal point in regards to living yoga. Living in THIS moment, responding to THIS action, without connecting it to a previous behavior, be it good or bad.

I might be getting way ahead of myself here; I would love if my mind were as philosophically sound as I dream, but I have a rather normal brain. Needless to say, I became aware today of how quickly I throw friends, lovers, or family members up on a pedestal when they “made my day”. Which, obviously, only sets me up to be disappointed when they don’t consistently make my day, or (the realistic and logical truth) are human. On my part, it’s really unfair to count up the blessings, just as it is to note all the negative qualities. No one in my life, or yours, for that matter, deserves to have their record brought up over and over, whether it’s positive or negative. Why not just accept and love those around us as they are today? Better yet, why not learn to love YOU as you are today? You’ve got a record, too. You’ve been part of the “they’re all the same” and “they made my day” at least once in your life. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Today is a new day. A day when you can choose to let go of the negativity and positivity of yesterday and simply LIVE. Live and love those around you, not for yesterday or tomorrow. Just focus on today.

It’s a journey. It’s not going to happen by the time you shut your eyes to sleep tonight. But I challenge you to consider these points and whether or not you agree with me. I would love to open a discussion with any of you, so please leave a comment below. Namaste, friends.

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“Understand that the whole is the goal…the goal here is to make peace with all the tendrils and conflicts of your life…” Baron Baptiste, 40 Days to Personal Revolution

That pesky “what if”

Ah, the long break from writing always kills me just a smidgen. But instead of procrastinating even more, here I go:

“Something’s bound to go wrong..” (Don’t Worry, Baby, The Beach Boys)

How often are we victims of self-fulfilling prophecies? I spend so much time worrying about the “what if” and all it does is get me into trouble. Without realizing it, I only end up hurting myself and those around me as my walls come up, keeping those I love at bay.

So in my “What if everything falls apart” phase, all I did was the following: argue, cry, skip meditation, and drink too much wine. That was obviously the best option, right?

We do this all the time. Self-preservation begets pain. We think we’re protecting ourselves from heartache, when we block the positive energy and actions around us from getting in as much as we avoid the negative.

That’s not to say we need to let EVERYTHING in; actually, I don’t mean that in the slightest. As I’ve been getting back into meditation and my trust little sidekick, Meditations from the Mat, by Rolf Gates, I am continually brought back to the Eight-Limbed Path of Yoga, which discusses yamas and niyamas, or basic guidelines for humans in their journey toward Samadhi, or enlightenment. (I know I’ve touched on this in previous posts as well.)

Recently the focus has been on brahmacarya, or moderation, and it is moving toward aparigraha, or non-attachment.

I 100% struggle with attachment. To people, to animals, to results, to expectations, to cars, you name it. It comes with the territory of loving everything all the time every day. While loving things is a great quality, I end up getting too attached; i.e. allowing disappointments, loss, etc, to affect my mood.

I want to offer a cure-all success story, but it would be false. I am learning to let go of what no longer serves me. I am learning to live in the present moment. I am learning to just be, not looking for results, or returned affection, but simply live.

I’m not great at it. But all I can do is focus on this very moment. “The prize is in the process”, says Baron Baptiste. If I’m not here for the process, how will I get my prize?

If you have any questions regarding yamas, niyamas, yoga, meditation, or you just want to talk, please comment! I would love to hear from those of you who took the time out of your day to read this post. Namaste, loved ones.

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Blessed

Like most, Mondays bring me a little bit of grief. Ugh, to start the week with productivity means I have to get out I bed. But… It’s comfy. Right?

True, comfort zones exist because they’re wonderful, but how are we to learn? I saw a lovely quote this morning from Meister Eckhart: “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”

How often do we try new things? It’s so easy to stay where it’s safe and known, even if we’re unhappy, but what if things change? What if we learn and grow each day? That’s not to say I’m that person; I love curling up on my couch, turning on a Disney movie I loved as a kid, and well, doing nothing. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, either!

I started my morning with about zero motivation to move other than the ever-growing, intimidating pile of clean clothes on my couch. See, I put my laundry there so I don’t put it off… Then I go sit on my recliner and ignore it for a few days. So after finally starting to organize, I was able to purge some items I don’t wear anymore, put away 95% of my clothes (just the hangers left– I’m legitimately the biggest laundry procrastinator), and ended up cleaning my fridge, dishes, and practicing some yoga thereafter simply because I started. Small step, I’m aware, but I was glad to rid my apartment of some clutter today!

Meanwhile, in the midst of my small victories, I saw some other beautiful things appear in my day: my private yoga client bought me flowers because she thought I would like them; my best friend sent me an encouraging and kind note from her travels across the states; and one of the women who certified me to teach yoga made space in a full workshop because she knew I wanted to participate.

A while back I mentioned a boyfriend of mine had reminded me that the world is not out to get me. I spent a large majority of 2014 in pain, like a victim getting mercilessly hurt or neglected, and by the end of the year, I was sick of it. Not to say that I didn’t deal with legitimate pain and mistreatment, but I focused nearly all my energy of the negativity that surrounded me. Or rather, what I allowed to surround me.

“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”
-Henri Matisse

This year I am actively allowing myself to be surrounded by flowers. To be a beginner each day. To learn to laugh at my mistakes and mishaps, rather than beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself. There is no future there; it’s time to grow. Yesterday is no longer, tomorrow is yet to come, why not spend today being happy?

Namaste, loved ones,

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Bring it on, 2015!

As most people do, I’ve spent a large portion of the last week reviewing the past year: the love, the pain, the lessons. This morning I looked at last year’s blog I wrote and somewhat chuckled, quite honestly. It’s amazing to me what a year can do.

For the first time, I’m setting some real resolutions; realistic yet hopeful goals for my 2015. If I feel like I’ve made such strides since last year, why wouldn’t I hope for the same in the next? Anyhow, I wrote them down last night and wanted to share a few:

1) Meditate daily (I bought Meditations from the Mat to guide me through the year, I’m too excited to start so I won’t wait til the 1st!)

2) Offer kind words or a gift to someone daily.

3) Do some form of cardio thrice weekly.

This is only a partial list, but I noticed that each of these benefits different aspects of my life: spirituality, others, physical being. In order to hope for a more well-rounded year in which I stay present, I have to plan for it! So I want to make sure I make goals for myself, my body, my mind, and of course, goals to serve and love others better.

Last night I meditated for a little bit, and I ended up using a made up mantra that I had pieced together from a few sentences I had seen:

Demonstrate love, which has no boundary.

I wish I had a deeper understanding of this mantra, maybe I’ll find it in the next chapter of my life. What mantras have found their way into your meditation? What resolutions are you excited for in 2015?

Namaste, readers. Hope to hear from you!

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What to leave, what to take…

I’ve spent far too much time away from my love of writing. Fear, insecurity, doubt: there are plenty of excuses keeping me from this blog. But no matter! Here we go.

As the year draws to a close, most of us are reflecting on it and hoping for great experiences in the next, right? Last Friday I had an incredible opportunity to go to a workshop at my yoga studio called Let It Go 2014. While the majority of the time was spent practicing, we spent a portion meditating and journaling about the things we expect of 2015.

First, my teacher guided us, we were to write on one page of our journals what we hoped to manifest or change from 2014, that is, what we hoped to take into the new year and develop toward a deeper purpose. Then, on a separate page, we wrote what we meant to release from 2014, the things that no longer serve us, whether they be sentiments, relationships, habits… Then we ripped the “release” page and handed them in. I kept wondering… Will she burn those? She had no clue to whom each page belonged, so anonymity was not an issue, but a part of me didn’t want to share the things I hope to release.

Mid-practice, it hit me: If I’m TRULY going to release it, who cares what happens to that paper?

Letting go is not an easy feat. We speak of it often, reminding each other to “just let it go”, as though we’ve reached this stage of wisdom and understanding, whilst cloaked in pretension. (I’m quite aware of my use of “whilst” in that pretentious sentence.)

Meanwhile, our own practice of letting go is often lacking. Even of the little things, like what someone else chooses to do with my “release” page, which is really just trash.

So while this year pressed and pulled me into far too many directions, I am thankful for this: I am beginning a journey of learning to let go. Of learning to legitimately move forward. Of manifesting the beauty and gifts I’ve been blessed with in my time on Earth.

In my classes lately, I often tell my students– in hopes of reminding my own person– to be thankful for the strengths and limitations of their bodies and their minds, along with the opportunities to grow. Whatever or Whomever you believe in, a Higher Power offers us endless chances to learn. To let go of what no longer serves us in order to reach our full potential.

What are you taking into 2015? What will you choose to leave behind? Wherever you are in your journey, share with me! I love to know what’s happening in the lives around me. Namaste, lovely readers.

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This picture is of the site of my accident last April… It serves as a reminder as to who I was and who
I have become, as well as an inspiration to continue!

❤️

Have a little Looksie

Blech. I have been in quite a mood all week. Depressed, sad, lonely. And what snapped me out of it today? A woman in a worse mood.

Got dumped a week ago and have been in a funk, even though I’m aware it wasn’t a good relationship. No surprise, I’m sure, to my repeat readers. But I’ve been such a goober about it, replaying things over and over, staying stuck in the past rather than focusing on the present and moving forward.

Then today, I got off my butt and ran some errands. Doctors, bank, mechanic, pharmacy. All of these locations have something in common: long lines. Rarely can you go into any of these places and be the only one in line, the “most important person”, right? And I wasn’t today. Doctors office, wishing I had grabbed my book before changing out of my clothes. Bank, too many cars in the drive-thru so I’ll just go inside where the line was just as long. An hour and a half sitting in the lobby waiting for my tires to get changed. Pharmacy, a short line of humans who had lots of prescriptions, questions, and flu shots to get. Only two working the pharmacy counter (and drive-thru).

In my current mood, I played indifferent, I’ll be done when they are, but I was still slightly annoyed. I just had a pickup and a notebook to ring in, I would only be a minute long transaction. A few women who had been sitting in the nearby chairs walked up to the counter while BOTH employees were assisting other customers and demanded to know how much longer before they received their flu shots (there were at least three others behind me in line). The clerk politely replied, “you will be next, it’s only the two of us today, and we’re doing the best we can”.

The lady then announced, “I wouldn’t recommend getting your flu shots here, I’ve been waiting 15 minutes!”

I’m going to let that sink in. 15 minutes. In a chair.

I saw the clerk’s face droop a little, and wanted to ask if I could cover for her so she could take a break. This woman was throwing a fit over a 15-minute wait for a voluntary appointment. I was on the verge of walking over and telling her to shove it, but then it came to me.

I’m having a pity party for a tiny relationship that wasn’t meant to last. A “15 minute” snippet in my life. There are so many other things in this world. Why be hung up on something so small?

I got in my car and sat a minute, pondering. The sun is shining today on my unusually fertile desert city. I’ve been bombarded by butterflies lately, fluttering around me much more than normal. My dog has been particularly adorable lately. Simple things, yes, but much more beneficial to study than negativity.

Going through my yoga journal, I found a note about how much I miss studying and learning and writing papers… Weird, I know. But I’ve been using all this week to be a self-absorbed goof rather than taking the time to read, learn, quench my thirst for knowledge. I’ve been hung up on this 15 minutes, allowed to alter my mind and mood. How silly, no?

There is endless beauty around us. A friend reminded me that there is not only a lot to love but a lot of love. Surrounding me every day. I’m often jealous of the love I see, rather than being thankful that the love exists!

I know I’ve said this before, and I hope I never stop: Today is the day to let go of what no longer serves me.

I’m blessed by you, dear readers. I would love to hear what you’re trying to let go of in order to move forward. Namaste, loved ones.

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A little Veruca Salt

“But I want it now!”

How often, really, do you plead with the universe for instant gratification? I find myself doing it much more often than I would care to admit, and I like to joke about it, poke fun at my childishness. But I am constantly reminded of the truth: life is a process.

I’ve been feeling somewhat stultified as of late; having to cancel yoga classes cause no one showed up, letting the little annoyances of the day build up until I feel attacked. I was venting to the guy I’m seeing about all of this, and he laid down the real deal: People aren’t out to get me.

Really, I end up feeling, as I said, attacked, when the reality is that I’m neglecting how self-absorbed I am, and likely how most others are, too. We’re all out for ourselves, and I’m not a “target” by any means for anyone.

That’s not the lesson, though. I spend too much time with my Ego. I quote BKS Iyengar a lot, and he spends a chapter of Light on Life identifying our Ego and how to eliminate it from our path. Life is not all about me. It’s not. And it’s easy for me to lose sight of that fact. I want to have everyone like me and come to yoga classes and blah blah— but that’s not my purpose. My goal on this earth, legitimately, is to love people. And I can’t do that properly if I keep getting trapped by the Ego, by the incessant selfishness, by the longing for instant gratification.

I’m not saying in the slightest that I have mastered this lesson, among others, but the point is to begin. The first step is important in any process, of course, but the follow-up step is arguably more so. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? But the second would be to take action, and therefore necessary.

How have you noticed your Ego in your life? Does it hold you back from truly enjoying life? I would love to hear from you, readers. Namaste.

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Fun fact: happened upon this tea wisdom a mere few hours after my original posting of this blog. Love the Universe

Joy and Suffering

This last month has been somewhat strenuous for me. Lost a job. Lost friends. Rejection after rejection. But a few days ago, I saw a quote that we are not to view these happenings as rejections, but redirections towards something better. I’d rather stick with that sentiment.

Also in this last month, two influential men passed away: Robin Williams and BKS Iyengar. One brought laughter and joy to my childhood; the other gave me wisdom and hope as an adult. As I reread Iyengar’s Light on Life, I find it interesting how it helps me cope with the loss of both their lives.

While discussing the Physical Body in terms of yoga, Iyengar thoroughly explains the necessity of pain in order for growth. “We do not do yoga just for enjoyment; we do it for ultimate emancipation. Most people want to take joy without suffering. I will take both. See how far suffering takes me.”

What an interesting sentiment that we often avoid. Considering the racial unrest in Missouri (well, across the World, really) and political climate, there are countless examples of suffering on this planet that we as humans avoid. I won’t lie; I don’t like reading the news on a daily basis simply because I hate hearing about the constant pain and suffering in every corner. But there are times when we had to face the pain, as it how “we learn to act, to live, to grow”, as Iyengar states. “We all have presence of mind when everything goes well, but we need to have presence of mind when something goes wrong.”

Back to Mr. Williams. At this point, it’s common knowledge that he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s, likely becoming the reason he chose to end his life. It seems as though the world was much more comfortable with that explanation than if he had died of depression, which quite honestly, astounds me. Those who have read my earlier posts will know that I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago, and I made a decision to end my life a year ago that thankfully, was foiled by my will to live. That doesn’t mean I’m cured. It doesn’t mean I don’t have days when everything goes well; the sun shines, there’s no traffic, my family and friends love me and no one is grumbling– and I still come home wishing I were dead. That this world would legitimately function better if I didn’t exist.

I am NOT advocating suicide in the slightest, nor am I expressing that it is a selfless act; it is quite selfish and leaves those behind with greater pain and frustration while you are, free, really.

I am, however, trying to explain that depression isn’t logical. It’s not something I can magically turn off. I wish I could go through life feeling “normal”, with bad days that don’t cause me to crave physical pain or death because I don’t know what else to do. I long for the day that I can comfortably come off my antidepressants and be able to fully work through my “episodes” of self-loathing. But it doesn’t work that way. My brain DOES NOT work like everyone else’s. I would give almost anything to let it be “normal”— but like Iyengar, after having seen the pain, I think I would rather have both joy and suffering. I learn more from pain. I can be compassionate towards others with the same brain as myself. So when I initially hear that this great actor, comedian, and human took his life, my first reaction is not to say he is selfish. I was sad because I know how he felt. I was sad thinking of his family who perhaps thought they could have saved him.

I didn’t know Robin Williams and won’t ever know EXACTLY why he took his life; I can only assume he viewed it as the only option. I’ve been there. If you haven’t, it isn’t fair to judge. I agree that sometimes people use depression as an excuse for attention, teen angst, what have you, but that is not my place to judge. I don’t have a terrible life; I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me as best they can…. I am blessed. But I am also depressed. I deal with it daily. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hate seeing how it affects those who love me, and I use them as a means to keep fighting.

This quote that kept going around right after RW died resonates with me: “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”

I’ve been there. Invisible in a crowd, in a room with only one other. My only critique, or what I’ve been learning, is that no one can make you feel anything. It comes from within. You must surround yourself with the people who know you and care, obviously. But they’re still human. You have to push through that pain of isolation. I am deeply saddened that Robin Williams didn’t feel he could any longer. It hurts me to think about another human suffering in that way. Through that pain, I will learn. I will remain steadfast in my journey to fight through depression. Use yoga to discover the peace within.

I am thankful that I was able to know of and study the lives of both Robin Williams and BKS Iyengar; they have impacted my understanding of myself and the world. Namaste, gentleman. Rest your weary souls.

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For a little further reading:

http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/well/2014/08/20/what-is-so-special-about-iyengar-yoga/

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15007/10-life-lessons-i-learned-from-b-k-s-iyengar.html

The beginning of the break

We are on a three week hiatus until our next session of yoga teacher training, and it’s been less than 24 hours since I’ve seen these people and I’m already feeling withdrawals.

Had a successful home meditation and ended up really reviewing my feelings; we discussed in class the “core feelings” that humans have, both positive and negative: happy, love willing, peace, hope, humble, joy, and gratitude; sad, angry, lonely, hurt, pain, fear, guilt, and shame.

Today I feel happy, humble, hope, and fear. Hope is somehow always mixed with fear in my head, which I want to change. Anyhow, on to the positive. I had an emotionally overwhelming weekend. Work drove me up the wall, a new relationship blossoming has me giddy, but primarily, I am bombarded with the blessing of my new yoga family. We’ve only spent a few weekends together thus far, but I am thrilled to share this experience with each of them.

I am exactly where I need to be.

As I mentioned above, I already miss them. Their souls, their stories, the way their bodies move differently than mine. I’ve learned so much from these beautiful beings, each from such different paths. No matter who is sharing, I am enthralled by their person, their words. What joy and gratitude they bring me!

There is a plethora of piñatas… I mean, beauty in my life. (Hopefully some of you caught the reference.) For those of you who have seen my angry posts and perhaps find yourself there, take time to observe the blessings in your life. Count 5 things you encounter on a daily basis that bring you energy. Ignore the likely endless list of “takers”. Meditate. This week my lovely instructor shared one if her favorite quotes:

If you don’t have time to meditate for 5 minutes, you should meditate for 20.

Interesting, right? But quite true. We are always so pressed for time, pushed to the next event, the next emotion, the next person, whatever. How about you join me as I try to daily live, well, daily? Live today. Be today. Breathe today! Take a few moments to listen to the nothingness in your head. Or the madness, whichever lies within at that particular moment.

I am blessed by you, readers. You bring me joy, humility, and such gratitude. Enjoy your day.

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Frozen Theme Song

Let go of what no longer serves you.

My instructor repeated this several times throughout my first weekend of Yoga Teacher Training and I decided it will be my focus this week.

I’ve been blessed with plenty of things in my life; I have no reason to complain. But I end up focusing on what is no longer, or what I don’t have yet… Unhealthy practice of which ALL of us are guilty, right?

How about this spin: Being thankful for what you have now, what serves you in the present moment. Baron Baptiste says you’re “either now here or nowhere.” Only the present exists; the past is done and unchangeable, and the future is simply a fantasy.

What serves you today, readers? Are the relationships you hold onto fruitful or fading? I challenge you to join me as I work towards letting go of what no longer serves me. After all, how can I grow if I’m nowhere? As always, I would love to hear your words.

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